BEACHBUM'z Bad Advice Column (tm)

BEACHBUM'z Bad Advice Column (tm)

Check out my new site at
(Old content will still be available at this site)

In a world of "Dear Abbey" and "Ask Ann Landers", we are continuously bombarded by advice and "how to" columns. Through my many, many years on the internet, I've been asked my share of questions ranging from advice about "what types of computers to buy", to "what do my 'BEACHBUNz' look like", to "advice to the lovelorn". Now it's my turn to open up my advice column to the world.

Now you may wonder, "what's so special about this advice column?" Well, here's your answer. I'm only going to give bad advice. Why bad advice? It's because there are a lot of people out there trying to solve problems, and its about time someone started creating more problems on top of your problems. If you're looking for advice to really solve your problems, take whatever advice I give you and do the complete opposite. It may just solve your problems.

Please send your questions and comments either via email or my guest book:

Email to

Sign The Guestbook.

And now the advice...

Hey, I have a problem. I want to break up with my boyfriend, but I don't want to hurt him. What do I do?


Dear Abey,



Dear Beachbum, I like 3 guys one I see at school(third) ,one I see can writ to or call on phone(second most) , and the last that I doubt I will ever see again(I love most). Who should I choose? I have friends that are guys and one of my guy friends is #3 but I can't talk to the guys I like.

C. Larson(TX)

Dear C. Larson,


Hey, I have a little problem and want you to help me. I already asked for advice everywhere but they are all the same. You see, there's this guy in France. I'm french, moving back to France this summer. I like him a lot and am pretty close to his mum. I don't know what to do and maybe a bad advice is gonna make me think.

Please Answer,
Sick of Good Advices

Dear Sick of Good Advices,
You say that you like this guy a lot, but subconciously from your letter, it looks like you're more interested in his 'mum'. You mentioned that you're pretty close to his 'mum'. I'd say, go where your true heart tells you to. Go to his 'mum', and who knows...maybe she shares the same feelings about you that you secretly do about her. And while you're at it, maybe you can do some of that French kissin' stuff with her.


My problem is my external urethal orifice. It's messed up and when I pee I go all over the floor. What do you suggest?

Crooked Shooter

Dear Crooked Shooter,
Sit down!


I have a boyfriend who drinks at school functions and makes embarrassing noise at my parents. Should I break up with him or start drinking too?


Dear Lewis,
Embarassing noises aren't that bad. The smell that comes from the embarassing noises are probably worse. Just to be on the safe side, always carry a match. You shouldn't break up with him. The reason for this is because everyone should drink. I'm surprised that at this stage of your life you haven't had a drink yet. Without drinking, we would all dehydrate. Drinking water is an essential part of life. Since you haven't started drinking water yet, I would suggest that you rush out to your nearest water cooler and drink up!


I've got a nasty case of toe jam. What should I do about it?


Dear Janine,
Try peanut butter and toe jam sandwiches. Yummy!


I'm having hot flashes. What should I do?


Dear Desperate, That's Great!!! Your body must really be looking thin these days. Women who have hot flashes generally weigh less than women who don't. Hot flashes are sudden explosions or mild waves of body heat that last from 30 seconds to five minutes. This is exceptionally good when it's cold outside. They are caused by sudden rushes of hormonal changes. You know, the kind where you grow a beard, penis, etc. Hot flashes often start with a tingling sensation in the fingers and toes. The tingling is followed by fast rises in skin temperature and rapid heart palpitations.
Here are some tips for increasing hot flashes:


Dear Beachbum,
I have painful rectal warts...what should I do?

Rand McNally

Dear Rand McNally,
Stop sitting on frogs! Or if the problem isn't from sitting on frogs, what exactly are you doing with those frogs?


Dear BeachBum,
I am a single mom with a 9 year old daughter. I own three sites here on the internet and even wrote a book and had it published last year. Things were looking up. My problem is..I found true cyber love via 'Freetel' a few months ago with a man who married and has two kids. I told him, not to destroy his marriage for our relastionship. Because we haven't even seen one another face to face. But, last night, he told his wife about us.. Now is about to burn his bed, while he sleeps. I truly do care for him, and would like to be his woman in reality. What should I do?


Dear Cutie,
Since you want to be his woman in reality. Try logging on to Reality Bytes, and choose the login name, woman. Only then will you be his woman in "reality".
[Start shameless plug] Reality Bytes is the internet's premier FREE chat program co-created by BEACHBUM, himself. Located on the internet at telnet:// (or telnet to 8686 for you non-web-type people), Reality Bytes is a nice, relaxing, and informal place to sit back and chat with people from your home town and all over the world. If you want more information on Reality Bytes, please check out our web page at
[End shameless plug]


Dear Beachbum,
We are so damn bored! We have no friends, We don't get laid, We don't do drugs, We have no more money, We have no life, and We can't commit suicide because then We would have nothing left to whine about, (which is what We live for, whining) what can We do to screw up our life more?

Obnoxious and Cranky

Dear Obnoxious and Cranky,
You could always take up Dungeons and Dragons. If you've ever seen anyone with more screwed up lives than yours, it's Dungeons and Dragons players. If Dungeons and Dragons isn't your forte', then you can always join the chess club. They're just as big a group of losers as Dungeons and Dragons players.


Back to BEACHBUM'z World (tm)